Rocky Horror Twilight Show

I would like to propose a new movie rating system. This new system will address the decibel level of the audience. It can be in addition to the current rating system-- I don't care. Just slap a warning on any upcoming doozies. Because thanks to the new Twilight movie, I am now deaf in both ears and my brain.

Yes, I read the books. Yes, I enjoyed them like a twinkie (thanks to the hilarious cleolinda for that fabulous analogy.) And yes, I told a few of my friends about the books. I even got to meet the author (briefly!) at a book signing and find out that she is an everyday mom like me. Except she's a bazillionaire with millions of books in print. That's okay, I won't hold it against her.

I read in one of my screenwriting magazines that the female scribe for this movie was handed the job right before the Hollywood money-hungry writer's strike. That meant that she had FIVE weeks to write the stupid thing. Oh, man. I almost returned my ticket right then. But I didn't.

I saw the trailer online and got a little excited. Then I saw one on t.v. and noticed that all the quoted praise across the bottom of the screen only mentioned the Twilight phenomenon in general. NOTHING about the quality of the movie. Oh, man. I should have paid attention. But I didn't.

I waited in line on opening night and tried to shrink my 6'2" self down to a prepubescent size so I would blend in, but I couldn't.

Instead I sat with my friends, half of whom had not read the book, and waited for the movie to start. We could taste the anticipation in the air. Pheromones and Junior Mints. It was like sitting in a room full of cats with ADD.

Then came the screaming. Not out of fear, or horror, or disgust. It was simply because the actors were first appearing onscreen. No, wait! That was just the title sequence! This audience was wound so tight I was sure the theater was going to disintegrate before they could rest their greedy little eyes on the male lead.

And so it went. The audience members knew the book by heart. And since the movie was faithful to the book, the viewers knew what was coming next (so much for suspense.) First twittering, then giggling, then a near-silent scream opening up to a full-throated screech in unison. Oh, my brain. My brain! I wanted the actors to die -- or anything-- so I didn't have to put up with this assault on my eardrums! The squealing was sending me into reverse puberty!

All complaints about permanent hearing damage aside, it was entertaining to be there. The audience participation was nearly on par with Rocky Horror viewers, minus the fishnets and flying toast. I laughed quite often, albeit at the wrong places. The dialogue and special effects were so bad that I think the director was going for camp rather than anything else. Though it may have been lost on the audience's youth-- I don't think they know what camp is.

Time to find myself a pair of hearing aids. I'm getting too old for this.