Rent-a-Swedish-daughter

My sister-in-law has alerted me to a program that an IKEA in Seattle runs annually. It's a rent-a-Christmas tree program. Yes, that's right. You can borrow a potted Douglas Fir from those clever Swedes. Only maybe they're not so clever, because they will take the blasted thing back after the holidays. To be recycled. Not composted or thrown away. You can always keep it and make it part of your family by planting it in the yard. But if you return it, you get a $10 IKEA gift card.

So let's imagine that the eco-friendly consumer returns said tree. It is stripped of its garland, glass bulbs, and petrified gingerbread ornaments manufactured in kindergarten. And if the consumer is anything like me and my black thumb, this poor tree is in bad shape. It lists alarmingly to one side, needles cascading at every shiver. Who would recycle this poor creature? Why, IKEA of course! The Scandinavian king of cheap organization! Who else?

Oh, those clever Swedes. I have uncovered the racket. I now announce to the world that IKEA makes its multitude of engineered wood products from... recycled Douglas Firs! Mwah ha ha! ha... ha... huh. Maybe this is something the rest of the world knew already. What a great plan! I propose another!

There is a dearth of daughters in our household. I just adore my boys but every once in a while I start to wonder... what would it be like to borrow a girl for a bit? I'll propose the program to IKEA.

"Yes, I would like to rent a daughter, please. No, it's okay if she only speaks Swedish. Yes, I'll take one that is still in diapers. How much is the deposit? Let me think about this... how much will the gift card be worth when I return her? Phew. I'll take her."

I'll have a grand old time reminding myself why I'm glad I only have sons. Then, when I return her:

"What do you mean, I forfeit the gift card if I return her before puberty?"